What yellow and stands in the gutter going 'cheep cheep'?

A jaundiced prostitute in a canary suit.

When the world gives they lemonade make they lemons.

A newlywed couple arrives for the first time to their new home.  The husband sweeps the bride up in his arms and carries the bride over the threshold.  The newlywed couple are still in bliss from their honeymoon and kiss each other passionately.

The husband announces "I am the man and I wear the pants in this family.  I have three rules for this marriage."  The bride announces "I am the woman and I wear the skirt in this family.  I have one rule for this marriage.  But since you are the husband, you can give your rules first."

The husband says, "First, every day at 6:00pm when I come home, I will have a fresh hot dinner ready for me.  Second, I will go fishing and hunting on the weekends whenever I want.  Third, the boys and I will get together for regular boys' night out.  Since I wear the pants, you will accept these rules without complaining."

The wife says, "that's fine with me.  My rule is simple.  Every night at 8:00pm there will be sex in this house, ...... whether you are here or not."

I love my girlfriend she's the most wonderful girl in the world. My wife hates her. I can't figure it out, How could she hate her own sister? 

What is the advantage of dating a married woman?

You never hear, where were you last night? Because you know where she was.. 

Middle aged man decides to get into shape so he joined a gym. His first day there he sees a very attractive young woman and he asks the trainer, What machine he should use to impress her.

The trainer says to him, I think you should try the ATM in the lobby. 

Guy goes into a whore house and says to the Madam, "My wife's on vacation so I want the ugliest girl you have."

The Madam asks, "Why do you want a ugly girl?"

The Guy says, "Look I'm not horny I just miss my wife." 

The universe is an unbelievably huge almost empty vacuum.

It could only be one thing, a living brain.

When thoughts are created they are stored in black holes,

where they are squished and rendered useless.

The only thing that can survive in a black hole

is software. Because it is soft it can't be squished

and eventually leaks out. Though it is deformed and defective,

once it escapes, software can still be utilized.

Q. What is the biggest lie in the entire universe?

A. "I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions."

You have 10 marbles of differing sizes in your pocket.

You go for a 15 minute walk. While walking

you find 2 marbles on the ground and pick

them up and put them in your pocket.

When you return home you move your marbles

to a box and count your marbles.

You count 5 marbles.

[10 plus 2 equals 5]

You also find 1 hole in your pocket.

The Pope Flys into New York city. They pick him up with a limousine and bring back to his hotel. They ask Him, "what would you like to do your eminence?" He says, "I like to go see a Yankees game. They politely say," we won't be able to protect you there we can't take you." The Pope says, " I really want to go to a Yankee game." Again they tell Him ,"no." The Pope says,"well if you're not going to take me I'll take myself, " and he goes downstairs gets in the limousine and starts driving towards Yankee Stadium.  Now he's a little old and he's driving a somewhat erratically a police officer pulls him over. He walks up to the limousine and says license registration and insurance please. The police officer sees it's the pope and says, "I'll be back in 1 minute." Police officer goes back to his car and calls his dispatcher. He says to the dispatcher, "look I pulled over somebody really important and I don't know what to do!" The dispatcher says to him "What are you talking about?" The police officers says again, "I'm telling you I pulled over somebody really really important and I don't know what to do!" The dispatcher says to the police officer, "Who did you pull over" The police officer says, "I have no idea, but the Pope is his limo driver..."

HAPPY EASTER! 

A driver had just done away with his spectacles and had contact lenses put in.  On his way home a cop pulls him over and asks for his license and rego details.  The driver obliges and hands them over.  The cop them walks around the car and inspects it for defects and tread on the tyres, etc.

After completing that he goes back to the driver and says: "Your license states that you are supposed to be wearing glasses while driving.'

Oh, that's okay officer," the driver responds: "I have contacts."

To which the cop says: "I don't give a fuck who you know, don't let me catch you driving without your glasses again."

A Hells Angel runs over a pig on his way home from a countryside meeting and takes it into the nearest cop shop and flops it on the counter and says: "Oi, I ran over this on my way home."

The cop behind the counter asks: "Well what did you bring it in here for?"

The Hells Angel Replies: "I thought the next of kin outta know."

Two bikers are wanted by the law so they pack up some provisions and a blow-up doll each for the lonely nights ahead and hid out at a secret clubhous hide-away.  All goes well for a few weeks while they hunt game to supplement their provisions and then found a spring for fresh water.

Anyhow, the cops end up tracking them down and discover that one of the bikers is dead.  After lenghty questioning and plenty of denials, the remaining biker confesses: "Alright, so I killed him."

The Lead cop asks: "So why did you kill him?"

The biker replies: "Well I was out hunting and when I came back I caught him sleeping with MY blow-up doll.

A really thirsty biker accidentally and unknowingly walks into a gay bar and orders a jug of beer... yes, he was that thirsty.  Anyhow this gay guy in a pink suit and twirling a pink umbrella siddles up real close to the biker and orders a pink gin.  All is well until the gay guy puts his hand on the biker's knee and starts to slide it up to the biker's crotch.

It was like world war III had erupted,  The biker gets up and throws the gay guy to the floor and starts stomping and kicking him.  Then he picks the up gay guy and slides him along the bar until his head crashes heavily into a wall at the end. Next thing the biker takes hold of the pink umbrella, pulls down the gay guy's pants and shoves it firmly up his arse.

The gay guy then sreams out: "Open it, god god's sake open it."