Sam, driving a Yugo in a Texas community, pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce, rolls down his window, and smiles at the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. Have you got a phone in it? I've got one in my Yugo!"

Dave, the driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes, I have a phone."
"Cool!" continues Sam. "Have you got a fridge in there, too? I got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"

Dave, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."

Sam goes on, "That's great! Listen, have you got a TV in there? I got a one right next to me."

Dave, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"

"Say," persists Sam, "Have you got a bed in your car? I got one in the back of my Yugo!"

Upset that he hadn’t, Dave immediately drove off straight to his dealer and demanded that a bed be installed in the back of the car. The next morning David picked up his car, with a superb bed in it, a bed fit for a Rolls Royce...

Dave immediately went searching for the Yugo, and only late in the afternoon he found it parked, with all its windows fogged up from the inside.

He knocked on the Yugo, and finally Sam stuck his head out, soaking wet.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," Dave stated arrogantly.

"Sheesh!" complained Sam, "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"

An older couple were sitting having breakfast together.  The old man said to his wife "you know fifty years ago we had our first breakfast together."  The wife said "yes, I remember now."  "Except fifty years ago we were eating naked together.  Do you want to get naked and finish our breakfast together?"  The husband says "Yes, just like when we were young."

They both got naked and returned to their breakfasts.  The wife said, "Ohhh, my nipples are getting just as hot for you now as they were then."  The husband replied, "I'm not surprised, one is in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

Joan Smith decided to splash out for her 70th birthday and spend the night in a luxury hotel.

The next morning she received a bill for $ 2250 for the night and was horrified!

"Madam, that is the cost of the rooms in this hotel, its the normal rate" answered the receptionist.

"Listen mister, although the room is beautiful and has a good view, I don't think it's worth that amount of money. I'm not taking breakfast either. "

At that moment the hotel manager approaches and the receptionist explains the situation to him.
The manager tells Mrs. Smith that the hotel has certain facilities. "This hotel has a large pool, and a huge convention center that is at your disposal and you could use it whenever you want while you are staying here."

"That's very good," said Joan, "but I did not use them." "Yes, but they are here and you could have used them if you wanted to," said the manager. "You could also have attended one of the extraordinary shows where famous artists perform, something for which this hotel is well known."

"But I didn't attend any show," she protested. "Well, you could have ma'am, they were there for that," the manager explained.

The manager continued listing hotel facilities and amenities, to which Mrs. Smith always replied: "But I didn't use them". However, the manager always countered with the phrase: "Could have done, ma'am".

"Sorry lady, but this check is for $250.00 only and the room price is $2250 which means youve paid $2000 short!"

"You’re right, sir, what happened is that I charged you $2000 for spending the night with me." answered Mrs. Smith.

"But I DIDN'T spend the night with you," protested the manager ....
and Joan replied very calmly: "Well you could have ........ I was here all night."

lol

The lady at local market fought off a robber with her labeling gun.
Police now searching for person with a price on his head.

lmao.

A farmer was in need of a new rooster for his hens.  He finds one for sale that the seller guaranteed would take care of all his 150 hens.  He places it in the yard and the next morning the farmer discovers all 150 of his hens have been visited by the rooster.  The farmer was astonished, saying "that's one horny rooster."

Again, the next morning he gets up and not only had all the 150 hens been visited by the rooster so had all the ducks. The farmer just shook his head thinking that by now the rooster would have begun to tire.

The third morning every animal: the horses, cows, goats, turkeys, ducks and hens had all been visited by the rooster but, now the rooster was sprawled on his back wings outstretched in the yard with buzzards circling overhead.  The farmer just shook his head walked over to the rooster and said, "you deserved it you horny bastard, you finally f'd yourself too."  The rooster peeped open one eye pointed to the sky and said, "shh, they are about to land."     

Lets say the speed of light is known to be 669,600,000 miles per hour.

We have a new space ship parked at a runway on Earth.

In our ship we have 20 bowling balls.

We take one bowling ball out of the ship and place it on the runway.

We mark this bowling ball "frame of reference one".

We get aboard our ship, our speed relative to bowling ball one is zero miles per hour.

Now we take off and fly into space, we accelerate to 75% of the speed of light

relative to bowling ball one.

We now set the auto pilot to maintain this speed, our ship maybe

experiencing drag.

Bowling ball two is placed out side the ship with it's own propulsion system, so it 

can maintain it's current speed with the ship. We mark this bowling ball "frame of reference two".

Our speed relative to bowling ball two is zero miles per hour.

We accelerate to 75% of the speed of light relative to bowling ball two.

We now set the auto pilot to maintain this speed, our ship maybe experiencing drag.

Bowling ball three is placed out side the ship with it's own propulsion system, so it 

can maintain it's current speed with the ship. We mark this bowling ball "frame of reference three".

Our speed relative to bowling ball three is zero miles per hour.

We accelerate to 75% of the speed of light relative to bowling ball three.

We repeat this process until we have used up all our bowling balls.

Don't worry because of relativity we are still traveling less then the speed

of light  relative to bowling ball one, a square in our world is a rectangle back on earth

until we return to earth and park on the runway we started from.

🤣🤣

Sam and Rebecca met on a singles cruise and Sam fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they both lived in Philadelphia only a few miles apart, Sam was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Sam had taken Rebecca to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Sam became convinced that Rebecca was indeed his soul mate and true love.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Sam took Rebecca to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Sam said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life-changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Rebecca paused, then responded, "Sam that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Sam paused for a while then said, "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

lmao   

A muscular man in his prime walks into the bar and says, "bartender I need a drink.  The bartender could see that the man looked rather defeated.  So, he poured him a drink and decided to chat him up to try and make him feel better.

The bartender said, "you know you are absolutely the most physically fit man that has ever walked in here, in fact, I've never seen anyone as strong looking as you.  Your youthful in your prime of age, and I don't want to sound insensitive, but your head is so small compared to the rest of you.  Is that what's troubling you?"

The muscular man takes a big gulp from his drink and shook his head yes. "I can't get any women to pay any attention to me.  When they see my physique, they look interested, but then they notice my small head and turn away.  I can hear them laughing and mocking me when they think I'm not looking.  I haven't been able to have sex for thirty years."  "This small head is a double curse if you catch my meaning, the man sobbed."

The bartender was shocked for the muscular man looked so youthful - 25 years old maybe.  The bartender exclaimed "you can't be over fifty years old!"

"I've never told anyone this before, but I need to get this off my chest, the man said." It was thirty years ago I was on the beach as an out of shape middle aged man only able to look at all the beautiful women in their bikinis.  There I was with my bald head and potbelly staring and the young bucks came over to me laughed at me and ridiculed me mercilessly.  I left the beach feeling awful."  

The muscular man continued, " I wandered away from the beach and I kept hearing a tiny voice saying help me.  I looked around and finally looked down and there was a small frog trailing me.  I picked the frog up and it repeated help me.  I am really a genie and if you help me, I will give you three wishes.  All you have to do is kiss me."

"So, I kissed the frog and instantly there I was alone with the most beautiful naked women I have ever seen.  It was fate finally intervening for me.  I remembered feeling how I had wasted my youth and was not going to let that happen again.  So, I said to the genie, "Make me more buffed than Arnold Schwarzenegger was when he was 25; and make me look and feel 25 again for as many years as I am old now.  And poof there I was looking and feeling glorious."

I looked at that beautiful genie and said, "I want to make mad passionate love with you for the next several hours without tiring.  After several hours we held each other, and she looked me in the eyes and said, "that was wonderful." "But you have one more wish, what will it be?"  

And that's when I said, "how about a little head?"

"Only those who have had a really bad day on the day they died can enter Heaven", God instructs his angels.

The first person shows up at the gate to Heaven and it is a man.  The angel at the gate says to him "Tell me what happened today." 

The man said, "I had been suspicious my wife was having an affair and I decided to come home during lunch to surprise my wife.  She was half naked in bed and I began searching for the man she had been seeing.  I looked everywhere while my wife yelled at me that I was wrong and should go back to work.  

I walked out onto the balcony to catch some fresh air and on the edge of the balcony floor were some hands clinging to it.  I became enraged when I had looked down and saw a half-naked man wearing shorts only.  I began stomping on his hands until he fell the 8 floors.  When I looked down, he was still alive as trees and bushes broke his fall.

I was determined to put an end to him.  I grabbed the kitchen refrigerator pushed it out on the balcony and managed to heave it over the railing.  The refrigerator landed on him squarely, but the strain and excitement were too much for me and I had a heart attack and died."

The angel thought for a minute and said, "that sounds like a bad day okay, you can enter Heaven."

A second man arrived at the gate to Heaven.  The angel asks him to describe his last day.  The second man says, "I was working out on my ninth-floor balcony when I lost my balance and fell over.  I luckily caught myself on the floor beneath but, the crazed owner came out onto the balcony screaming he's going to kill me and stomped on my hands until I could no longer hold on and I fell eight floors to the ground below.  Again, fortune smiled on me as the trees and bushes broke my fall.  I was dazed and as I looked up that crazed man on the eighth floor was pushing his refrigerator off his balcony.  That did me in.  I died when it landed on me." 

The angel said, "that is a bad day. You can enter Heaven."

A third man showed up at the gate to Heaven.  The angel asked him to describe his last day.  The man said, "you're not going to believe this but, there I was naked in a refrigerator minding my own business when..."

The Funeral

A man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said... "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral, is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also."

It was a very poignant and touching moment of sorrow. Silence passed between the two men.

The first man then asked... "Can I borrow the dog?"

The man with the dog on the leash replied, "Get in line."